eternallyblah'ed

The return.

2009-11-11T19:44:00.000-08:00

The date of my last entry tells me it has been one year and 5 days since I have posted anything. That does not mean that I was not writing but I guess I just was not posting anything. Today while I was reading some old things that I had written I figured that this particular post made a lot of sense and I wanted to post it. It's a few months old but it's still true.

Happy Anniversary.

It’s the 5th of july – nearly a year since I’ve been in America. Nearly a year since I went back home. To say I miss home is of course to state the obvious. I miss home and I miss my family. I miss my friends, I miss the familiarity and the comfort that comes from being at home with loved ones. Or just being at home and not doing anything. A sense of belonging.

This year has been one hell of a journey. When I go home I know for sure that it won’t be the same girl going home. I feel more mature, more grown up, more independent and I don’t know if I’m happy about all of that. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with being all grown up and mature. The independence I like, I enjoy. Just enough independence to return back home whenever I feel like. Met some amazing people and done some amazing and not-so-amazing things. Some of the things I’ve done have made me real proud and the others have made me want to puke – literally and figuratively.

In this one year my life has changed from kilograms to pounds (and I’ve gained quite a few of them), from Celsius to Fahrenheit, from rupee to dollar. Found a new family and learnt to love them with all my heart and appreciate how much they do for me. I have realised the strength of family and the value of people. I have learnt to love my friends who are far away from me and also grown to love new ones, near and far.

Some dates have fallen off the calendar while others have gained new meaning. I have lost some people and will return never to see them again – and that causes a deep ache in my heart. I don’t think I have allowed myself to grieve for them because there are certain people in life that no matter the time or distance – you are just never ready to believe they are gone. In the past two years I have lost some very near and dear ones. Some I have come to accept and some I have not. Some I think of every night and realise anew that they are gone. Some I keep close to my heart and think of them when I find myself alone. But then there are some who you think you will definitely see when you return and it’s losing them that tears the soul apart.

The day of my graduation – one of the happiest moments of this year I came home and learnt that my grandfather had passed away – suddenly and peacefully. And just when I read that message it was as if I could hear his voice call out my name and see him walking towards me with his broad smile and open arms. I could see him get all worked up and insist on going and getting me something to eat from the shop nearby. When you leave for a long time away from family – there are certain people who you know that are going to be there when you return. And when you return to an empty chair and see your grandmother in white there are just no words to describe the heart break.

Friends and ex-lovers have acquired increased and diminished significance in my life. Friends- some I have left behind and the ones who matter I carry them with me in my heart. Ex-lovers – they lose their priority in life – at least in my life. I have come to realise that it’s not them that I miss particularly but the feeling that I miss. It’s not as if I crave for them or feel like reaching out to them – frankly I have nothing to say to them – but I do miss the closeness. Some were friends and I do miss them particularly. But yes they seemed to have lost their importance in my moments of melancholy, self-pity and even my dreams seem to have rejected them.

Just.

2008-11-07T22:42:00.000-08:00

It’s the weirdest feeling. I don’t know how to explain it – PMS or the huge tub of popcorn topped with heaps of butter. Maybe both, maybe neither. It’s just this restless feeling that you feel in your fingers even though it’s your feet that want to take off.
I want something, I want to do something, I want to be somewhere. I don’t know where, what and why.
Could it be homesickness? Could it be too much of popcorn? Could it be boredom, stress, anxiety?
So let me tell you how I feel and then maybe you could prescribe something. I look around I just know that this is not where I want to be right now. I think about tomorrow and I know that I don’t want to do what I am going to do. I don’t want to be sitting here and writing this – I want to go out but I don’t know where to go. My heart is beating fast, my fingers have this weird feeling, my tummy also feels strange. Flu, indigestion, heart attack?
All I want to do is be up in the mountains, with a cup of hot chocolate, sitting by the window with a book to read and some warmth. Does that make me insane? Does that make me sound pretentious? Does that sound too girlie?
I just want to be with a friend and not talk, just sit, just be. I just want to take a slight peep into my future to see if there is a ‘happily after all’ ending. I don’t want to know everything, but like a good book, read the ending first. I just want to take a stroll down the beach with someone and not feel the need to talk, not feel the need to hold hands, not feel the need to impress, not feel the need to breathe.
I don’t want to feel the need to rush, the need to hurry, the need to think ahead, the need to plan ahead. I just want to be.
I don’t want to be within these four walls, within any four walls. I just want to hold Mammai’s hand and be. I just want to kneel beside her bed and not leave and make sure that she doesn’t leave. I want to feel the peace and the nothingness that I felt that 25th December.
I don’t want to turn back time or go forward in time. I want to stand still and feel the cold autumn wind on my face, the red autumn leaves rushing towards my feet.
It’s not peace that I’m looking for and it’s not love that I seek. I’m not running away from something and I have no destination that I want to run to. There is no one person that I long for and there is no one person I miss.
I want to feel like a pack of cards being shuffled and I want to be put down on the table and just be. I don’t feel like hiding from the world and I don’t feel like burying my head in the ground. I want to open my eyes and see. I want to feel, I want to hear. I don’t want to be invisible and yet I don’t want anyone to see me.

I don’t want to sound pretentious and stupid and yet I know that this is exactly how it sounds.

Maybe on a better day and a better time I will not feel this way and then I will come up with something smart and write about how the world is changing at every step and how I feel that I am being caught up in the whirlwind of history and like in a twister don’t know where I am going to land.

Maybe someday I will.

The Final Farewell

2008-05-19T23:28:00.000-07:00

So, today the remaining two left. I had thought that this was going to be the toughest farewell and that I will be a mess at the airport and that I would be renamed Waterworks Inc. But surprisingly, I didn’t shed a single tear. I got misty-eyed and all for a while but then before I knew it they were inside and I was on my way home. It was my heart that was really aching as I hugged them and said ‘goodbye’. It was a blur, I was in a daze, I could not believe that they were actually going, and I think I am still in denial.

There were lots of people to see them off and I felt that they had more of a right to feel sad and cry perhaps and somehow I felt it was not my place to cry in front of family. Somewhat like family had more of a right over my friends and that my crying would seem out of place and fake and drama queen-ish. Every now and then over the past few days the thought of standing at the airport and having to say bye to these two has resulted in a certain ache in the heart which I just cannot explain. But standing there as they left, I didn’t even look back or wait till they had gone inside. I just walked away. This was so not me. Trust me if you know me you know that I suck at farewells. I cry like a baby, my nose runs, my eyes turn red and I look a wreck. But strangely after this farewell, forget a runny nose, my kajal was still intact! This was the most unnatural farewell ever for me. It was so incomplete, not to say that crying makes it more complete. I think I am still in denial. I think that they are still in town and that in the evening one of us will call and we’ll all end up meeting in Oly at 6:00 and stay there till 10:00 and by then we would have become a larger group, and then head to SPE and then be too buzzed to go back home and so we would drink some more to sober up and then crash at either of our houses and be up till 3 talking and watching TV.

Yup definitely still in denial.

Anyway, this was the last of the goodbyes to college friends. As we were waiting for the car to come, we were standing outside the arrival terminal, which was particularly painful. Somehow the arrival terminal seems to shout out ‘Back Home’, which was exactly opposite of what I was feeling at that moment. I just wanted to run away somewhere. Be anywhere but there and then I turn around and see smiling people coming out of the airport with the look of having come home written all over their faces.

Now all of my friends are all over the country, all about to begin work, all about to earn big money, all about to become corporate whores. And I am left back in this city. This city, which I have grown to love and grown to know only through my friends and only with my friends. I don’t know how to live here without them. I don’t know how I did live here 5 years ago. Back then things were different I suppose. Back then I made good with only 1 person and a few school friends all of whom have also left this city. Did I tell you how much I hated to be the one left behind? I think I did in a previous post of mine: P

I remember S telling me nearly 3 years ago when someone I loved was leaving ‘Everyone has to go, no one stays forever. Today he’s going, and someday I will have to leave also’. Back then March 2008 seemed so far away, I just dismissed what she had said like it was an impossibility, something that could never happen. But today as I sit at home, in my city all alone, with nowhere to go and no one to go to I know this to be true. I also know that I too will leave soon and hopefully go on to make friends in another world, but none as special, none as dear, none as loved, and none but none that can ever, ever replace them.

2008-01-29T13:25:00.000-08:00

Sometimes all it takes is a sip to get intoxicated; sometimes all it takes is a moment to push you over the edge. Sometimes all it takes is a day to get cleaned up and sometimes all it takes is a tear to drown you. Sometimes reason isn’t enough to pull you through, sometimes you can’t find meaning in anything that takes place. Sometimes there isn’t a reason behind everything. Sometimes the reason is best left unsaid. Sometimes the words just flow; sometimes they just come to the mind and get lost in your blood. Sometimes the water trickles down, and sometimes it dries you up from inside. Sometimes you feel the loneliest amidst a crowd and saddest when you laugh. Sometimes it pays when you look beyond those eyes and delve into them just to see whether they really blink or not. Sometimes it feels good just to stare at the wall and feel as if you have found the best listener ever. Sometimes talking to God is just so easy because he doesn’t talk back and neither does he give advice, he just listens and hears me out.

There isn’t always the right moment or the right thing to say. Sometimes the words just flow, the tears just pour, the heart just stops, the dreams just break. Sometimes love isn’t enough, even lots of it and sometimes the hurt and the tears aren’t enough, even lots of it. Sometimes you just have to wait till the end for it all to be over. Sometimes all it takes is that first step for it all to end.

There isn’t always a reason why things are the way they are. There isn’t always someone to blame. There always isn’t a shoulder to rest on. Sometimes even the closest of friends just let you down and strangers lead you home. Sometimes all it takes is a song, a poem, a lifetime to move on. Sometimes all it takes is the truth.

sigh

2008-01-11T05:58:00.000-08:00

I had the most magical evening yesterday. It was a moment straight out of the movies.

I had gone to the club wit ma to grab an early dinner. And there he was. Cute boy with slight curly hair, fuck awesome jaw line and a hell of a Brit accent. He was sitting at a table opposite ours with his grandparents. And the funniest thing happened. Every time I looked up to look at him, I would see him looking at me. So there we were both of us trying to have a nice family time with mom, and grandparents respectively and stealing glances at each other. I have never had such an experience. I swear there were sparks. Well not exactly sparks but u know it was a kind moment – the moment when u are trying to light the phulhjahri with the candle and you’re holding it to the flame. Initially there are slight sparks and it’s just about to start sparkling when the flame dies down. It was a moment like that. There would have been fireworks :P

He was so cute, and I don’t believe he was looking at me also. Every time I looked up to look at him I would find him looking at me and then we would both look away to again steal glances at each other after 5 minutes. But then every magical moment comes to an end and so did this. He went his way and I went mine. I don’t know his name, where he’s from and I don’t think he’s from here. But he was cute and well dressed and well spoken and with his grandparents. How often do you come across some one like that, and that too looking at you?

Anyway it was a nice moment, a nice evening and made for some nice daydreaming. I swear if I had been with my friends, this story would have had a different end :P

the (in)humanity of it all

2007-10-25T01:55:00.000-07:00

I was just going through few Somalian files in office (UNHCR) and my eyes are really tired from reading so much. On an average I have to go through at least 10 files everyday. And I have been dealing with Somalian cases for the past week. In fact 1 file is open and in front of me.
A thought just passed my mind when I was reading the file – “why does his life story have to be so big and complicated. Why couldn’t it have been short and simple like he got tortured, someone from his family got raped/killed and then he had no money no food and thus he somehow fled to India and now wants refugee status?”
I know – what the hell was that all about? I assure I am not this mean normally.

Just the other day something similar happened at work. 2 of my colleagues were having a discussion on how they want to get a ‘happy refugee’ to interview. And I remember thinking that how can one say such a thing casually working in a humanitarian agency?
It’s just that – working in a humanitarian agency makes you like that. It makes you inhumane. What I mean to say is that working in a place like this you come across so many distraught and depressing cases, one more tragic than the other that I think somehow you stop reacting or feeling bad or feeling anything for that matter. It just happens. It does.
So when someone asks you – ‘So how was your case?’, don’t be surprised if you hear ‘Yeah just another 15 year old got raped case, the usual’, or 'the same old family missing, fatally injured unaccompanied minor case'. It is just usual and it is just normal. That is the saddest and the most disturbing thought. You know something somewhere is wrong when rape becomes usual and missing families become normal.

I was so surprised at myself when I thought something like that, I sat up and cleared my head. I had to pause for a while. What did I just say, what just happened? Was working for a humanitarian agency making me inhumane? Does being in this field do this to you? Or is it just me? God that would be terrible.

Anyway gotto go back to yet another case of missing wife and children, lost his hearing due to a rocket attack, sister got raped in front of him.......you know the usual. sigh

A strange echo

2007-07-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

There are just some days that you cannot forget.
Every detail of every munite, every second is etched in your memory. It's like a movie which keeps running in your head.

All the moments of that one particular day is in my head. But not the whole day, just till a particular point. And after that it just goes blank.

Her eyes used to light up the moment she used to hear footsteps coming up the stairs, and when we left she used to look so sad, but never too sad - she still had her ego in place.
It's so strange how she used to give so much of solace even though she could not speak or even get out of bed. At my toughest and saddest times I have just gone and sat next to her and held her hand. And she seemed to understand it all. All that I had to say and all that I didn't.

My words are now haunting me. They keep on coming back to me.
'Aami aashbo aabar tomake dekhte, tumi bhalo theko'.
There is no one to go back to now. The only thing which keeps on coming back to me is that a year ago this time she was still there.
And I miss her. I miss her so.

I don't know whether I wish she was still here, cause she was in pain, lots of pain. And I dont mean to be selfish. It's just that her going has left such a vaccuum that its real hard at times. Honestly I never thought that it would be this hard, but it has been far more than that. I always thought that I would be comforted by knowing that at least there is no more pain. But there are days when the movie in your head just refuses to stop.

I can still see her breathe her last, still struggling to live and at that moment I was so taken by all of it I did not know what to do. The nurse said "Step back please and let the soul leave, it's not being able to go with you'll surrounding her like this. Let her go in peace". And we did. We did step back.
I wonder if we hadn't would she still have been with us?

It's almost a year and the strangest part is that what has stayed on with me amongst other things is not the echo of her voice but the echo of my voice telling her 'aami aashbo aabar tomake dekhte, tumi bhalo theko'.
Maybe it's because when I used to tell her this I always used to fear that there won't be a next time and that this was the last time I was seeing her.

And that day, 19th July 2006, it was the last time I saw her and yet it's my voice which still echoes in my head.

okbye

2007-06-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

i hate goodbyes.

especially when you are the one who is left behind. things are a tad better when you are the one who is going.....i meant at least you go to a different place and meet new people and do new things....you get the picture right?

And especially when its smallie in question. gawd its going to be so different now. its not as if we used to meet everyday or even talk everyday but the very fact that she is not going to be in the same town is so wierd. both of us after school got over stayed back in cal for college and since i had the priveldge of a 5 year course i knew that she would graduate before me and leave for further studies/job. i always dreaded this one year when i would be left all alone in cal. it is so damn depressing.

anyway i m sure that i will be making short trips to pune to meet her. i do love her so. and i will miss her everyday.

home sweet home!!

2007-04-06T07:13:00.002-07:00

and i m back!!!
back home.....unprecedented break but most welcome...it feels a tad strage coz i wasnt mentally prepared for this sudden holiday but i m loving it!!
came back home with dad......and when u stay with dad or travel with him u do it in style!!!
i stayed one night at taj palace with him....WOW!!!
it was such an awesome experience...it was like i was being treated like this mulitmillionare for one night.....i got to drink white wine(read watermelon juice) n have steak sitting in a wonderfully pretty bar with dad......gazed at cigars and the waiter actually came up to me and asked whether i wanted one.....i must have looked like i can afford them!!!yayyy!!!for small mercies i tell u!!
and the bed....oh the bed....u just sink into it....its so lovely!
and then in the morning get whisked away in your limousine(read white esteem)to the airport and fly first class....now i have just flown first class once before and that too by default so this was an awesome experience!!and i felt like the world's biggest clutz!i did not know wat to do....wat they were gng to do n how i shud react.......so at least i try and act like this posh snobby business woman who does this all time......i walk up to them like i m the CEO of some hep company n then i flounder terribly!!its so embarassing when u dnt know wat to do...how to act in certain situations...like a simple thing like - do i ask for tea or do they come up n ask me for it...i know its stupid but these are very important basic questions....like as soon as i entered the airport someone came and whisked my bag away and all the way to the aircraft i just had my purse to carry....it was like i was this VVIP!!!!and then i was taken to the exclusive lounge and like a small kid i just blindly followed my dad lest i become this huge embarassment for him!!so he went n got a muffin...i closely followed him, memorised every step he took n every thing he sed n then after 5 mins making sure it did not look too copied went n got myself a croissant!!n i did flounder....i cud not open the shelf where they kept the croissant...so i struggled for some mins before this very nice man came n helped me....n i salvaged the situation with a very professional 'thank you'(yeah there are things like professional thank you's!)
neway so i was travelling kingfisher airlines n i must confess i m this snob who does not think much of these low cost airlines but i was blown away with their hospitality and their amenities!!the coach which took us to the aircraft had sofas inside in place of normal seats!i mean can u imagine red sofa's!!!pretty neat i must say!!
and then i had a tv with me where i cud watch live television like star world or zee cafe or discovery travel and living and this is not only exclusive to first class.....everyone has a tv on the flight....and the food was needless to sey brilliant!i had this cheese omelete stuffed with salmon mousse!!I KNOW!!!it was truly living the good times!!loll
neway so i m back home and feel terrible to say that i miss delhi a bit....n i miss work most of all!

But i am enjoying a week at home n it is truly wonderful to be back home again.....yes it is.

one week in dilli

2007-03-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

welll....one week down in delhi....9 more to go!!!aaaahhhhh..........
well pg was a disaster so ran away!!but then now accomodation is i think working out somewat...dad came n fixed things up...i know i know spoilt brat!!!
gawd do i miss home!!sheesh how on earth m i gng to survive 9 weeks..that is nearly 2 months....63 days!!!!depressssiinngggg!!!!!
on a happy note i love where i m staying rite now at V's....its just like home...n they are just succchhhh niceee ppl!!n work is also good at least till now that is...i can see myself dng this work after graduation...not getting paid n living off my dad!!aaaa the good life!!! :P
saw the namesake...n frankly i was disappointed....i mean the previews looked so good...but those were the only good parts of the movie. it was so i dnt know badly edited i think n so many parts were left unexplored n sketchy!although i thought kal penn was absolutely delicious!!he really is a hottie!!!man i was really looking forward to this movie but it just seemed to jump from one scene to the other without any connection!but it is i guess a one time watch just for curiosity sake!
i move to the pg tom...things hv been finally settled there....n till i find another good excuse to run away from there i m stuck!till friday that is coz weekends there is no way on earth that i m gng to stay there!!sigh i reall m a spoilt brat...but i love being one!! :D

Rang Barse!!

2007-02-24T22:59:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HOLI!!!

holi is here!!i just loouuuu this festival of colours. i have such fond memories of celebrating holi!
i think it's an absolutely loverrrrrly festival!!

but i think the spirit of holi has gotten lost somewhere....or maybe it's just me. i mean at one point of time i used to eagerly wait for holi and buy a pichkari and various colours and reallly look forward to playing holi. The night before holi my folks and i used to fill up balloons and store them in the bucket. In the morning, wear old clothes, take all the colours and my pichkari and the balloons in a bag and rush down! it was really a task recognising me after i came back home. then spend hours in the loo trying to scrub the colours off!
next day go to school and show off the colours that had not gone off my body like they were bravery awards or something!!

wat happened?now its just another day that i sit at home and watch the kids play. u think its age? i cant be that old!!!
i mean the night before now all that i am bothered about is whether the car is covered up or not and whether it is parked far away from the hands of the kids! gawd i sound like the Holi Scrooge!!
i think wat happened is exams!! remember class X boards and Class XII boards all in the middle of Holi and thereafter in college also all end semester exams coincide with holi....i mean they are just killing the festival!!even this time i hv to give/study for stooopid exams!!
and moreover there just aint people to play with....all my friends have either gone out of town and the remaining ones dnt like playing.damn!!
i wish i cud play holi ya....the last time i played was in shantiniketan...it was a different experience not one that i reallly liked but it was okay....dry colours...neone can come and put colour on you (i hoped some hot firang wud come up to me and put colour on me....maybe that hope was the only redeeming factor abt holi that year!! :P)

at home we still but a packet of dry colour to offer to God and then put on the feet of elders and then after that put some on the face and hands and all just a little bit....but come on playing holi inside home....aaaa how sad is that!! its not that bad i agree but nothing compared to the real thing!
neway happy holi to everyone and i hope that some of you out there actually go out play holi, have bhang get sozzeled (but within limits of course) and not stay at home and watch from the window as others play!!

2007-02-17T05:33:00.000-08:00

i am sorry i do not understand but i do promise that i will try to

p.s. I HATE HER

Lied Cheated and certainly Betrayed

2007-02-16T10:10:00.000-08:00

Things have gone terribly wrong. Back from a wonderful trip and I came home to chaos. I feel so disturbed. It’s as if something in me has gone wrong, terribly wrong. I mean it’s a feeling that something is not quite right. I’ve been thrown off balance. My Libran scales are absolutely everywhere! Aarrghh!!

Well to start of with my Bombay trip – it was sooooooo luverrrrrlllllly!! Looking beyond the charming Brit men and the oh so hot Spanish men, it was truly a trip to remember for life. Met some really nice people and had a wonderful time with them. Bonded with a batch mate whom I never have been very close to. Met up with some old friends and it was so nice. I mean meeting old friends always carries with it a certain amount of apprehension that it might be awkward or the conversation might get stale and you might just end up having nothing to talk about. But it was so nice. It just felt like the old times and now having come away from them, I feel myself missing the old days just that little more. There was seriously so much left to talk about and so much left to do.

On a lighter note, I shopped and shopped and shopped. It was fun. I mean so much of fun. I went shopping 3 days in a row to the same shops and i shopped all 3 days!! I swear I saw the shopkeepers sniggering at me on the 3^rd day! But who cares, I’m never going to meet them ever again and I had the time of my life.

I met some really lovely Spanish people. It did help that one of them was verrrry hot and verrrry charming. The Spanish girl Miren was staying with us in our room and the other two Spanish boys were sharing their room with one of our teammates. So we sort of used to hang out together all the time. Mikhail and John were very nice boys. Decent and hot. The only stumbling block being that they could not speak English properly, but when has language ever been a barrier? We went dancing together and they were leaving that night. So we came back from the disc at 2 and they had to leave at 3. it was fun. John finally managed to get my full name (earlier he used to call me osh) when they got inside the cab at 3 in the morning all ready to leave. It was all quite hilarious.

So they left and the moot ended, met old friends, had a nice time with Bobba and Bomma, got pampered, traveled around Bombay on the local trains, and then got on to a flight and came back home.

And well home wasn’t home anymore to say the least. Full of lies and deceit. Backstabbing and betrayal. Misunderstandings and stubborn attitudes. Estranged friends and an attempt to keep everything together. I just can’t bear to see my closest friends at loggerheads with each other. I have literally spent my last 4 years with them, every waking moment and now they fight and swear never to talk to each other again. What do I do? I really don’t know what to do. I hate myself for not being able to do anything to make the situation any better. I hate the person who created this situation. I so hate you for doing this. I hate the fact that this person was able to do this to my friends and break them the way that they are broken now. It’s not about taking the first step or the initiative to talk things out, it’s just about realizing that it’s been way too long and it's time that both of you'll got talking. I miss the both of you. Don't you'll miss each other? I miss being with the both of you together. I am tired of hearing each one of you say bad things about each other. Come on just talk it out. I have tried my best, but it’s not been good enough, cause neither one of you still want to talk to each other and that kills me. I still see and hear the concern that you have for each other, just let the other person see it.

It hurts me to see both of you like this. I want everything to be alright again. I want things to go back to as they were. Like the old days. Come on guys, we have less than a year left to spend together.

Disillusioned and Disgusted!

2007-01-31T04:34:00.000-08:00

What’s the point? What’s the bloody fucking point? No matter how many campaigns you do, no matter how many panel discussions you organize and no matter how many ministers you approach, it’s still the same thing! Nothing changes. Things just remain how it is. So bloody disillusioned today.

Went to the Barasat District Court today from college (yea that’s our idea of a field trip in law school). Well we were in the court for about half an hour and then we headed to the millions of shacks in the area. There was this area called the Barasat Bar Association where there were these kuti kuti shacks all selling tea, snacks, lunch and all. So we found one such shack and sat ourselves down. We had tea and some kochuri and shobji. In that shack was this cutest little boy. He must not have been more than 6 years of age. He had the cutest buckteeth and the most wonderful smile in the world. He works there. He served us tea and water and cleaned the table and waited on us. I suddenly felt so ashamed. The tea just would not go down my throat. I felt so angry, so helpless, so frustrated. Here I was lecturing students in universities and colleges across town about the abolition of child labour and telling people in various panel discussions and talks about how they should not make young children work, but when you see it right in front of your eyes, you just feel so very helpless. Frustrated. Angry with yourself for not being able to do a thing. Angry because the system sucks. Pissed off beyond belief because nothing you have done in the past six months has made any difference. I know its not that long a time, but when you come face to face with something like this, that face, that smile with his buckteeth, God I just felt like banging my head and hanging it in shame. Shame on me. Shame on my government. Shame on the people for not doing anything about young kids employed in places like this. Shame on my friends for not even blinking when he served us the tea. Shame on us.

Today I just feel so vulnerable. I mean I don’t know what to do. I thought we were going on the right track, doing the right things to get rid of child labour. But then you come face to face with situations like this you’re back to square one. Maybe even worse.

And don’t tell me things like where will they go. At least they are getting some work. At least they are getting something to eat. At least they are getting some money for their family. Maybe they don’t even have a family to go back home to. This is really better.

NOTHING but nothing can justify this. So DON'T even try to. There are absolutely NO EXCUSES for letting this happen. This child is NOT supposed to earn for his family. And if he does not have a family then the state is supposed to ensure that he gets a proper schooling. A proper education. What ever happened to that fundamental right to education?

Oh and did I mention that all this was happening in front of a court inside a place called Barasat BAR association in front of the Barasat District COURT? Yeah I know the ironies of life. Except perhaps this hurts just that little more because of his six-year old smile and his oh-so adorable buckteeth.

2007-01-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, i must have been in class XI, i had felt the strangest feeling.

It's a bit difficult to explain. I was going home in my car. It was around the month of October, so the weather was awesome. I had the window of my car rolled down. My head was sticking outside and I had my walkman on - Duur by Strings was playing. And then I felt a feeling of absolute bliss...a situation of perfect happiness. I felt like dying in that moment. I was so happy. I remember thinking to myself - if i die now, i'll be the happiest.....everything is so perfect. I had just spoken to B 5 mins before and it was the sweetest conversation ever. At that time we were doing good, scene at home was great......academics was grest....friends were great. Everything in my life was just flawless!!I remember having the most stupidest smile on my face for a long time. Gawd I had this moment at least 6 years back and I remember exactly how I felt. It was so special.

I have never felt like that again. That one moment of flawless happiness has never come back to me. Now everything is just such an effort. Be it academics, or friends or life at home or college....just about everything and anything in life. Life has become such a struggle. You have the good days and the bad ones but by the end of teh bad days you're just so tired, that you can't even celebrate the good ones.

It's not that life is only sad. No. I am a happy girl. Really happy. I mean even now friends are great, academics is going ok, my family is simpy the bestest, so ok am not scoring on the love life front but am not missing it that much also....so all in all I'm doing pretty good sans the occasional tear burst which is attributable to PMS. But still that feeling was such a distinct and special feeling.

Aaahhh.....what I would not do to feel like that again. But as I said, Life's good. Not perfectly flawless bliss, but then again maybe moments like those don't come a second time.

I AM DISGUSTED!!!!!!

2006-12-30T02:53:00.000-08:00

i can't believe that they actually hung saddam hussein!!!!and i can't believe that they are actually showing it on TV and they are also flashing his dead body like it's on exhibtion or something!!!
it's not like i m saying that saddam was a good human being or something like that.....i abhor him...but right now i can't decide who i abhor more....him or bush!!!!the US actually wanted his execution to be aired and his dead body to be shown on tv like its a piece of art on display!!!it's so pathetic...i don't know what the world has come to.
i am vehemently against the death penalty....i mean hanging saddam makes absolutely no sense....so he has been convicted, he has been found guilty (though whether his trial was jsut or not is a completely different issue)....but to kill him...then what's the difference between him and the people who want to see him dead??
i am hoping mad right now....fuming!!!they showed him walking towards the gallows and then they put the noose around his head.....and the next thing that they show is his dead body covered in a white cloth!!its disgraceful and shameful that we have the death penalty still in the first place but to make such an exhibition out of it makes it even harder to believe!!!
the imposition of the death penalty is such a disgrace to the whole international human rights regime.....there are ways and means of punishing the accused....but to put him to death is nothing but a form of torture sanctioned by the state
the death penalty is nothing but a noose around human dignity and this noose is getting tighter by the day with executions like these!!

2006-12-29T08:26:00.000-08:00

had such a tumultuous day!! first college.....had the longest day there....came face to face with administrative trouble in college.....n the registrar's PA told me on my face...."nothing gets done in 1 day in the registrar's office"!!so a bonafide letter that i asked for will take 4 days to process n probably more!!!ufffffff ki frustating!!!!! work is just piling up n piling up n no signs of ne sanity in my life!!
then came home n had a tiff wit mom.....my fault so i shut up in the end...coz i realised that i was being unreasonable...n then it ended wit ma saying one line that all but killed me!
feeling sad.....all alone at home...tv is on n loads of work piled up on the table n i m sitting in front of the comp!hv 3 fat books that i hv to read and a FIR and complaint that i hv to file for sunday.........
i need some order and peace in my life.....just dont know how n where to get it.....coz i end up messing things for myself.....feel something missing....dont know wat....maybe its just the confusion in my head that needs to be cleared up first!

cranky post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-09T07:59:00.000-08:00

down with the stooopid viral fever!!!!aaaaaaaaaaa.............my legs feel like they're made of steel...cant move them.......my whole body aches, my throat hurts, my eyes burn, dont feel like eating, feel like puikng everything i eat, burning up wit fever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
n the ironical part is this is the one chance i can get to sleep all day literally all day without feeling guilty....i mean i'm practically being forced to sleep n i dont feel like sleeping!!!!aaaahhhh the many ironies of life i guess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hv so much of work n deadlines to meet up to it isnt even funny...cant afford to hv the darned flu now!!!

for a moment of peace

2006-12-04T01:12:00.000-08:00

I laughed again yesterday. After six months I laughed again. And this time it came from the heart. I felt like myself again after ages. I felt good about myself. I saw a fairy dancing. She perched herself on my nose and sneezed. Some of the sparkle from her sprinkled all over me, and my world looked a brighter place.
I giggled like a stupid girl yesterday. I asked stupid questions. I got stupid answers. I believed them. I kissed the air and hoped the breeze carried it to him.
Few moments of happiness. Of life. I felt like living again. I felt alive. I felt reunited with my soul. I felt at peace with myself. Few moments of bliss.
I longed for a moment with him. Yesterday. I longed to touch him, to see him. I longed for him. Yesterday.
Today I shed a tear for him. In his absence. My heart longs for him. My soul is waiting for him.

I saw a fairy die today. All the sparkle disappeared.
Hope died. My dreams died with it. I lost my faith. Promises were broken. My heart broke with it.
I stepped out of myself and looked at me. I saw a young girl sitting in the corner of the room, holding her knees to her chest, shaking, trembling, crying. And it came from the heart. I saw her broken.
I saw her soul. It was empty. I felt her pain. It was unbearable. She had been betrayed. Her faith had been broken.
Her eyes, her heart, her body her soul were all weeping. He had told her to trust him, she had. He had promised her that he would come back for her, come back to her, that he would take her with him. He had said that things would be different this time. She had believed him. She had trusted him. She had waited for him. She had loved him. He did not come. He did not return for her. He did not come back to her. He left her waiting forever.

I closed my eyes.

I longed for a moment of peace.

2006-11-30T08:51:00.000-08:00

my room's a mess and for once my life's not yay!!!i got 3 comments on my first post!!double yay!!(althought 1 was mine...but wat the heck i got 3 comments n thats all that counts!!)i'm real happy today.....sometimes u just dnt know how much u missed someone or something till u get it bak!!i'm glad i did......i know it can never be exactly the same again but i'm okay wit it...i really am

on another completly tangent note, yesterday i read something my sis had written n got thinking abt being 20. I for one think its a completly jinxed age!!i mean being 20 was terrible for me. i hated it. it was the worst year ever. coming out of ure teens i thought was just another cliche....but it just wasnt that for me. i wonder if being 20 was as difficult for others as it was for me......or maybe it was just me (and there is a gud possibility of that happening!)

oh vell i'm all 21 now.....n yes this year has been a tad better than the last.....
well well well what do u know it does get better wit age!!!

virgin post!!

2006-11-29T05:03:00.000-08:00

woah.....never thought i'd have my own blog......neat.....yay!!!dnt know how many ppl are actually gng to read it but wat the heck it doesnt matter!!!

frankly i never wanted to create my own blog coz well watever i write is gng to be basically abt my life n who on earth wud want to know wat happened in my life everyday!?!?i wudnt want to know me......n the ppl who want to know i tell them neway....

but here i am sitting n wrting my first post!!!n feeling quite excited i must tell u!!!this is funnn....now lets see how long this euphoria continues!!!!