Lied Cheated and certainly Betrayed

Things have gone terribly wrong. Back from a wonderful trip and I came home to chaos. I feel so disturbed. It’s as if something in me has gone wrong, terribly wrong. I mean it’s a feeling that something is not quite right. I’ve been thrown off balance. My Libran scales are absolutely everywhere! Aarrghh!!

Well to start of with my Bombay trip – it was sooooooo luverrrrrlllllly!! Looking beyond the charming Brit men and the oh so hot Spanish men, it was truly a trip to remember for life. Met some really nice people and had a wonderful time with them. Bonded with a batch mate whom I never have been very close to. Met up with some old friends and it was so nice. I mean meeting old friends always carries with it a certain amount of apprehension that it might be awkward or the conversation might get stale and you might just end up having nothing to talk about. But it was so nice. It just felt like the old times and now having come away from them, I feel myself missing the old days just that little more. There was seriously so much left to talk about and so much left to do.

On a lighter note, I shopped and shopped and shopped. It was fun. I mean so much of fun. I went shopping 3 days in a row to the same shops and i shopped all 3 days!! I swear I saw the shopkeepers sniggering at me on the 3^rd day! But who cares, I’m never going to meet them ever again and I had the time of my life.

I met some really lovely Spanish people. It did help that one of them was verrrry hot and verrrry charming. The Spanish girl Miren was staying with us in our room and the other two Spanish boys were sharing their room with one of our teammates. So we sort of used to hang out together all the time. Mikhail and John were very nice boys. Decent and hot. The only stumbling block being that they could not speak English properly, but when has language ever been a barrier? We went dancing together and they were leaving that night. So we came back from the disc at 2 and they had to leave at 3. it was fun. John finally managed to get my full name (earlier he used to call me osh) when they got inside the cab at 3 in the morning all ready to leave. It was all quite hilarious.

So they left and the moot ended, met old friends, had a nice time with Bobba and Bomma, got pampered, traveled around Bombay on the local trains, and then got on to a flight and came back home.

And well home wasn’t home anymore to say the least. Full of lies and deceit. Backstabbing and betrayal. Misunderstandings and stubborn attitudes. Estranged friends and an attempt to keep everything together. I just can’t bear to see my closest friends at loggerheads with each other. I have literally spent my last 4 years with them, every waking moment and now they fight and swear never to talk to each other again. What do I do? I really don’t know what to do. I hate myself for not being able to do anything to make the situation any better. I hate the person who created this situation. I so hate you for doing this. I hate the fact that this person was able to do this to my friends and break them the way that they are broken now. It’s not about taking the first step or the initiative to talk things out, it’s just about realizing that it’s been way too long and it's time that both of you'll got talking. I miss the both of you. Don't you'll miss each other? I miss being with the both of you together. I am tired of hearing each one of you say bad things about each other. Come on just talk it out. I have tried my best, but it’s not been good enough, cause neither one of you still want to talk to each other and that kills me. I still see and hear the concern that you have for each other, just let the other person see it.

It hurts me to see both of you like this. I want everything to be alright again. I want things to go back to as they were. Like the old days. Come on guys, we have less than a year left to spend together.

Disillusioned and Disgusted!

What’s the point? What’s the bloody fucking point? No matter how many campaigns you do, no matter how many panel discussions you organize and no matter how many ministers you approach, it’s still the same thing! Nothing changes. Things just remain how it is. So bloody disillusioned today.

Went to the Barasat District Court today from college (yea that’s our idea of a field trip in law school). Well we were in the court for about half an hour and then we headed to the millions of shacks in the area. There was this area called the Barasat Bar Association where there were these kuti kuti shacks all selling tea, snacks, lunch and all. So we found one such shack and sat ourselves down. We had tea and some kochuri and shobji. In that shack was this cutest little boy. He must not have been more than 6 years of age. He had the cutest buckteeth and the most wonderful smile in the world. He works there. He served us tea and water and cleaned the table and waited on us. I suddenly felt so ashamed. The tea just would not go down my throat. I felt so angry, so helpless, so frustrated. Here I was lecturing students in universities and colleges across town about the abolition of child labour and telling people in various panel discussions and talks about how they should not make young children work, but when you see it right in front of your eyes, you just feel so very helpless. Frustrated. Angry with yourself for not being able to do a thing. Angry because the system sucks. Pissed off beyond belief because nothing you have done in the past six months has made any difference. I know its not that long a time, but when you come face to face with something like this, that face, that smile with his buckteeth, God I just felt like banging my head and hanging it in shame. Shame on me. Shame on my government. Shame on the people for not doing anything about young kids employed in places like this. Shame on my friends for not even blinking when he served us the tea. Shame on us.

Today I just feel so vulnerable. I mean I don’t know what to do. I thought we were going on the right track, doing the right things to get rid of child labour. But then you come face to face with situations like this you’re back to square one. Maybe even worse.

And don’t tell me things like where will they go. At least they are getting some work. At least they are getting something to eat. At least they are getting some money for their family. Maybe they don’t even have a family to go back home to. This is really better.

NOTHING but nothing can justify this. So DON'T even try to. There are absolutely NO EXCUSES for letting this happen. This child is NOT supposed to earn for his family. And if he does not have a family then the state is supposed to ensure that he gets a proper schooling. A proper education. What ever happened to that fundamental right to education?

Oh and did I mention that all this was happening in front of a court inside a place called Barasat BAR association in front of the Barasat District COURT? Yeah I know the ironies of life. Except perhaps this hurts just that little more because of his six-year old smile and his oh-so adorable buckteeth.

A few years ago, i must have been in class XI, i had felt the strangest feeling.

It's a bit difficult to explain. I was going home in my car. It was around the month of October, so the weather was awesome. I had the window of my car rolled down. My head was sticking outside and I had my walkman on - Duur by Strings was playing. And then I felt a feeling of absolute bliss...a situation of perfect happiness. I felt like dying in that moment. I was so happy. I remember thinking to myself - if i die now, i'll be the happiest.....everything is so perfect. I had just spoken to B 5 mins before and it was the sweetest conversation ever. At that time we were doing good, scene at home was great......academics was grest....friends were great. Everything in my life was just flawless!!I remember having the most stupidest smile on my face for a long time. Gawd I had this moment at least 6 years back and I remember exactly how I felt. It was so special.

I have never felt like that again. That one moment of flawless happiness has never come back to me. Now everything is just such an effort. Be it academics, or friends or life at home or college....just about everything and anything in life. Life has become such a struggle. You have the good days and the bad ones but by the end of teh bad days you're just so tired, that you can't even celebrate the good ones.

It's not that life is only sad. No. I am a happy girl. Really happy. I mean even now friends are great, academics is going ok, my family is simpy the bestest, so ok am not scoring on the love life front but am not missing it that much also....so all in all I'm doing pretty good sans the occasional tear burst which is attributable to PMS. But still that feeling was such a distinct and special feeling.

Aaahhh.....what I would not do to feel like that again. But as I said, Life's good. Not perfectly flawless bliss, but then again maybe moments like those don't come a second time.

I AM DISGUSTED!!!!!!

i can't believe that they actually hung saddam hussein!!!!and i can't believe that they are actually showing it on TV and they are also flashing his dead body like it's on exhibtion or something!!!
it's not like i m saying that saddam was a good human being or something like that.....i abhor him...but right now i can't decide who i abhor more....him or bush!!!!the US actually wanted his execution to be aired and his dead body to be shown on tv like its a piece of art on display!!!it's so pathetic...i don't know what the world has come to.
i am vehemently against the death penalty....i mean hanging saddam makes absolutely no sense....so he has been convicted, he has been found guilty (though whether his trial was jsut or not is a completely different issue)....but to kill him...then what's the difference between him and the people who want to see him dead??
i am hoping mad right now....fuming!!!they showed him walking towards the gallows and then they put the noose around his head.....and the next thing that they show is his dead body covered in a white cloth!!its disgraceful and shameful that we have the death penalty still in the first place but to make such an exhibition out of it makes it even harder to believe!!!
the imposition of the death penalty is such a disgrace to the whole international human rights regime.....there are ways and means of punishing the accused....but to put him to death is nothing but a form of torture sanctioned by the state
the death penalty is nothing but a noose around human dignity and this noose is getting tighter by the day with executions like these!!

had such a tumultuous day!! first college.....had the longest day there....came face to face with administrative trouble in college.....n the registrar's PA told me on my face...."nothing gets done in 1 day in the registrar's office"!!so a bonafide letter that i asked for will take 4 days to process n probably more!!!ufffffff ki frustating!!!!! work is just piling up n piling up n no signs of ne sanity in my life!!
then came home n had a tiff wit mom.....my fault so i shut up in the end...coz i realised that i was being unreasonable...n then it ended wit ma saying one line that all but killed me!
feeling sad.....all alone at home...tv is on n loads of work piled up on the table n i m sitting in front of the comp!hv 3 fat books that i hv to read and a FIR and complaint that i hv to file for sunday.........
i need some order and peace in my life.....just dont know how n where to get it.....coz i end up messing things for myself.....feel something missing....dont know wat....maybe its just the confusion in my head that needs to be cleared up first!

cranky post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

down with the stooopid viral fever!!!!aaaaaaaaaaa.............my legs feel like they're made of steel...cant move them.......my whole body aches, my throat hurts, my eyes burn, dont feel like eating, feel like puikng everything i eat, burning up wit fever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
n the ironical part is this is the one chance i can get to sleep all day literally all day without feeling guilty....i mean i'm practically being forced to sleep n i dont feel like sleeping!!!!aaaahhhh the many ironies of life i guess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hv so much of work n deadlines to meet up to it isnt even funny...cant afford to hv the darned flu now!!!

for a moment of peace

I laughed again yesterday. After six months I laughed again. And this time it came from the heart. I felt like myself again after ages. I felt good about myself. I saw a fairy dancing. She perched herself on my nose and sneezed. Some of the sparkle from her sprinkled all over me, and my world looked a brighter place.
I giggled like a stupid girl yesterday. I asked stupid questions. I got stupid answers. I believed them. I kissed the air and hoped the breeze carried it to him.
Few moments of happiness. Of life. I felt like living again. I felt alive. I felt reunited with my soul. I felt at peace with myself. Few moments of bliss.
I longed for a moment with him. Yesterday. I longed to touch him, to see him. I longed for him. Yesterday.
Today I shed a tear for him. In his absence. My heart longs for him. My soul is waiting for him.

I saw a fairy die today. All the sparkle disappeared.
Hope died. My dreams died with it. I lost my faith. Promises were broken. My heart broke with it.
I stepped out of myself and looked at me. I saw a young girl sitting in the corner of the room, holding her knees to her chest, shaking, trembling, crying. And it came from the heart. I saw her broken.
I saw her soul. It was empty. I felt her pain. It was unbearable. She had been betrayed. Her faith had been broken.
Her eyes, her heart, her body her soul were all weeping. He had told her to trust him, she had. He had promised her that he would come back for her, come back to her, that he would take her with him. He had said that things would be different this time. She had believed him. She had trusted him. She had waited for him. She had loved him. He did not come. He did not return for her. He did not come back to her. He left her waiting forever.

I closed my eyes.

I longed for a moment of peace.