Just.

It’s the weirdest feeling. I don’t know how to explain it – PMS or the huge tub of popcorn topped with heaps of butter. Maybe both, maybe neither. It’s just this restless feeling that you feel in your fingers even though it’s your feet that want to take off.
I want something, I want to do something, I want to be somewhere. I don’t know where, what and why.
Could it be homesickness? Could it be too much of popcorn? Could it be boredom, stress, anxiety?
So let me tell you how I feel and then maybe you could prescribe something. I look around I just know that this is not where I want to be right now. I think about tomorrow and I know that I don’t want to do what I am going to do. I don’t want to be sitting here and writing this – I want to go out but I don’t know where to go. My heart is beating fast, my fingers have this weird feeling, my tummy also feels strange. Flu, indigestion, heart attack?
All I want to do is be up in the mountains, with a cup of hot chocolate, sitting by the window with a book to read and some warmth. Does that make me insane? Does that make me sound pretentious? Does that sound too girlie?
I just want to be with a friend and not talk, just sit, just be. I just want to take a slight peep into my future to see if there is a ‘happily after all’ ending. I don’t want to know everything, but like a good book, read the ending first. I just want to take a stroll down the beach with someone and not feel the need to talk, not feel the need to hold hands, not feel the need to impress, not feel the need to breathe.
I don’t want to feel the need to rush, the need to hurry, the need to think ahead, the need to plan ahead. I just want to be.
I don’t want to be within these four walls, within any four walls. I just want to hold Mammai’s hand and be. I just want to kneel beside her bed and not leave and make sure that she doesn’t leave. I want to feel the peace and the nothingness that I felt that 25th December.
I don’t want to turn back time or go forward in time. I want to stand still and feel the cold autumn wind on my face, the red autumn leaves rushing towards my feet.
It’s not peace that I’m looking for and it’s not love that I seek. I’m not running away from something and I have no destination that I want to run to. There is no one person that I long for and there is no one person I miss.
I want to feel like a pack of cards being shuffled and I want to be put down on the table and just be. I don’t feel like hiding from the world and I don’t feel like burying my head in the ground. I want to open my eyes and see. I want to feel, I want to hear. I don’t want to be invisible and yet I don’t want anyone to see me.

I don’t want to sound pretentious and stupid and yet I know that this is exactly how it sounds.

Maybe on a better day and a better time I will not feel this way and then I will come up with something smart and write about how the world is changing at every step and how I feel that I am being caught up in the whirlwind of history and like in a twister don’t know where I am going to land.

Maybe someday I will.