The date of my last entry tells me it has been one year and 5 days since I have posted anything. That does not mean that I was not writing but I guess I just was not posting anything. Today while I was reading some old things that I had written I figured that this particular post made a lot of sense and I wanted to post it. It's a few months old but it's still true.
It’s the 5th of july – nearly a year since I’ve been in America. Nearly a year since I went back home. To say I miss home is of course to state the obvious. I miss home and I miss my family. I miss my friends, I miss the familiarity and the comfort that comes from being at home with loved ones. Or just being at home and not doing anything. A sense of belonging.
This year has been one hell of a journey. When I go home I know for sure that it won’t be the same girl going home. I feel more mature, more grown up, more independent and I don’t know if I’m happy about all of that. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with being all grown up and mature. The independence I like, I enjoy. Just enough independence to return back home whenever I feel like. Met some amazing people and done some amazing and not-so-amazing things. Some of the things I’ve done have made me real proud and the others have made me want to puke – literally and figuratively.
In this one year my life has changed from kilograms to pounds (and I’ve gained quite a few of them), from Celsius to Fahrenheit, from rupee to dollar. Found a new family and learnt to love them with all my heart and appreciate how much they do for me. I have realised the strength of family and the value of people. I have learnt to love my friends who are far away from me and also grown to love new ones, near and far.
Some dates have fallen off the calendar while others have gained new meaning. I have lost some people and will return never to see them again – and that causes a deep ache in my heart. I don’t think I have allowed myself to grieve for them because there are certain people in life that no matter the time or distance – you are just never ready to believe they are gone. In the past two years I have lost some very near and dear ones. Some I have come to accept and some I have not. Some I think of every night and realise anew that they are gone. Some I keep close to my heart and think of them when I find myself alone. But then there are some who you think you will definitely see when you return and it’s losing them that tears the soul apart.
The day of my graduation – one of the happiest moments of this year I came home and learnt that my grandfather had passed away – suddenly and peacefully. And just when I read that message it was as if I could hear his voice call out my name and see him walking towards me with his broad smile and open arms. I could see him get all worked up and insist on going and getting me something to eat from the shop nearby. When you leave for a long time away from family – there are certain people who you know that are going to be there when you return. And when you return to an empty chair and see your grandmother in white there are just no words to describe the heart break.
Friends and ex-lovers have acquired increased and diminished significance in my life. Friends- some I have left behind and the ones who matter I carry them with me in my heart. Ex-lovers – they lose their priority in life – at least in my life. I have come to realise that it’s not them that I miss particularly but the feeling that I miss. It’s not as if I crave for them or feel like reaching out to them – frankly I have nothing to say to them – but I do miss the closeness. Some were friends and I do miss them particularly. But yes they seemed to have lost their importance in my moments of melancholy, self-pity and even my dreams seem to have rejected them.