Sometimes all it takes is a sip to get intoxicated; sometimes all it takes is a moment to push you over the edge. Sometimes all it takes is a day to get cleaned up and sometimes all it takes is a tear to drown you. Sometimes reason isn’t enough to pull you through, sometimes you can’t find meaning in anything that takes place. Sometimes there isn’t a reason behind everything. Sometimes the reason is best left unsaid. Sometimes the words just flow; sometimes they just come to the mind and get lost in your blood. Sometimes the water trickles down, and sometimes it dries you up from inside. Sometimes you feel the loneliest amidst a crowd and saddest when you laugh. Sometimes it pays when you look beyond those eyes and delve into them just to see whether they really blink or not. Sometimes it feels good just to stare at the wall and feel as if you have found the best listener ever. Sometimes talking to God is just so easy because he doesn’t talk back and neither does he give advice, he just listens and hears me out.
There isn’t always the right moment or the right thing to say. Sometimes the words just flow, the tears just pour, the heart just stops, the dreams just break. Sometimes love isn’t enough, even lots of it and sometimes the hurt and the tears aren’t enough, even lots of it. Sometimes you just have to wait till the end for it all to be over. Sometimes all it takes is that first step for it all to end.
There isn’t always a reason why things are the way they are. There isn’t always someone to blame. There always isn’t a shoulder to rest on. Sometimes even the closest of friends just let you down and strangers lead you home. Sometimes all it takes is a song, a poem, a lifetime to move on. Sometimes all it takes is the truth.
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
Friday, 11 January 2008
*sigh*
I had the most magical evening yesterday. It was a moment straight out of the movies.
I had gone to the club wit ma to grab an early dinner. And there he was. Cute boy with slight curly hair, fuck awesome jaw line and a hell of a Brit accent. He was sitting at a table opposite ours with his grandparents. And the funniest thing happened. Every time I looked up to look at him, I would see him looking at me. So there we were both of us trying to have a nice family time with mom, and grandparents respectively and stealing glances at each other. I have never had such an experience. I swear there were sparks. Well not exactly sparks but u know it was a kind moment – the moment when u are trying to light the phulhjahri with the candle and you’re holding it to the flame. Initially there are slight sparks and it’s just about to start sparkling when the flame dies down. It was a moment like that. There would have been fireworks :P
He was so cute, and I don’t believe he was looking at me also. Every time I looked up to look at him I would find him looking at me and then we would both look away to again steal glances at each other after 5 minutes. But then every magical moment comes to an end and so did this. He went his way and I went mine. I don’t know his name, where he’s from and I don’t think he’s from here. But he was cute and well dressed and well spoken and with his grandparents. How often do you come across some one like that, and that too looking at you?
Anyway it was a nice moment, a nice evening and made for some nice daydreaming. I swear if I had been with my friends, this story would have had a different end :P
Thursday, 25 October 2007
the (in)humanity of it all
I was just going through few Somalian files in office (UNHCR) and my eyes are really tired from reading so much. On an average I have to go through at least 10 files everyday. And I have been dealing with Somalian cases for the past week. In fact 1 file is open and in front of me.
A thought just passed my mind when I was reading the file – “why does his life story have to be so big and complicated. Why couldn’t it have been short and simple like he got tortured, someone from his family got raped/killed and then he had no money no food and thus he somehow fled to India and now wants refugee status?”
I know – what the hell was that all about? I assure I am not this mean normally.
Just the other day something similar happened at work. 2 of my colleagues were having a discussion on how they want to get a ‘happy refugee’ to interview. And I remember thinking that how can one say such a thing casually working in a humanitarian agency?
It’s just that – working in a humanitarian agency makes you like that. It makes you inhumane. What I mean to say is that working in a place like this you come across so many distraught and depressing cases, one more tragic than the other that I think somehow you stop reacting or feeling bad or feeling anything for that matter. It just happens. It does.
So when someone asks you – ‘So how was your case?’, don’t be surprised if you hear ‘Yeah just another 15 year old got raped case, the usual’, or 'the same old family missing, fatally injured unaccompanied minor case'. It is just usual and it is just normal. That is the saddest and the most disturbing thought. You know something somewhere is wrong when rape becomes usual and missing families become normal.
I was so surprised at myself when I thought something like that, I sat up and cleared my head. I had to pause for a while. What did I just say, what just happened? Was working for a humanitarian agency making me inhumane? Does being in this field do this to you? Or is it just me? God that would be terrible.
Anyway gotto go back to yet another case of missing wife and children, lost his hearing due to a rocket attack, sister got raped in front of him.......you know the usual. sigh
A thought just passed my mind when I was reading the file – “why does his life story have to be so big and complicated. Why couldn’t it have been short and simple like he got tortured, someone from his family got raped/killed and then he had no money no food and thus he somehow fled to India and now wants refugee status?”
I know – what the hell was that all about? I assure I am not this mean normally.
Just the other day something similar happened at work. 2 of my colleagues were having a discussion on how they want to get a ‘happy refugee’ to interview. And I remember thinking that how can one say such a thing casually working in a humanitarian agency?
It’s just that – working in a humanitarian agency makes you like that. It makes you inhumane. What I mean to say is that working in a place like this you come across so many distraught and depressing cases, one more tragic than the other that I think somehow you stop reacting or feeling bad or feeling anything for that matter. It just happens. It does.
So when someone asks you – ‘So how was your case?’, don’t be surprised if you hear ‘Yeah just another 15 year old got raped case, the usual’, or 'the same old family missing, fatally injured unaccompanied minor case'. It is just usual and it is just normal. That is the saddest and the most disturbing thought. You know something somewhere is wrong when rape becomes usual and missing families become normal.
I was so surprised at myself when I thought something like that, I sat up and cleared my head. I had to pause for a while. What did I just say, what just happened? Was working for a humanitarian agency making me inhumane? Does being in this field do this to you? Or is it just me? God that would be terrible.
Anyway gotto go back to yet another case of missing wife and children, lost his hearing due to a rocket attack, sister got raped in front of him.......you know the usual. sigh
Sunday, 15 July 2007
A strange echo
There are just some days that you cannot forget.
Every detail of every munite, every second is etched in your memory. It's like a movie which keeps running in your head.
All the moments of that one particular day is in my head. But not the whole day, just till a particular point. And after that it just goes blank.
Her eyes used to light up the moment she used to hear footsteps coming up the stairs, and when we left she used to look so sad, but never too sad - she still had her ego in place.
It's so strange how she used to give so much of solace even though she could not speak or even get out of bed. At my toughest and saddest times I have just gone and sat next to her and held her hand. And she seemed to understand it all. All that I had to say and all that I didn't.
My words are now haunting me. They keep on coming back to me.
'Aami aashbo aabar tomake dekhte, tumi bhalo theko'.
There is no one to go back to now. The only thing which keeps on coming back to me is that a year ago this time she was still there.
And I miss her. I miss her so.
I don't know whether I wish she was still here, cause she was in pain, lots of pain. And I dont mean to be selfish. It's just that her going has left such a vaccuum that its real hard at times. Honestly I never thought that it would be this hard, but it has been far more than that. I always thought that I would be comforted by knowing that at least there is no more pain. But there are days when the movie in your head just refuses to stop.
I can still see her breathe her last, still struggling to live and at that moment I was so taken by all of it I did not know what to do. The nurse said "Step back please and let the soul leave, it's not being able to go with you'll surrounding her like this. Let her go in peace". And we did. We did step back.
I wonder if we hadn't would she still have been with us?
It's almost a year and the strangest part is that what has stayed on with me amongst other things is not the echo of her voice but the echo of my voice telling her 'aami aashbo aabar tomake dekhte, tumi bhalo theko'.
Maybe it's because when I used to tell her this I always used to fear that there won't be a next time and that this was the last time I was seeing her.
And that day, 19th July 2006, it was the last time I saw her and yet it's my voice which still echoes in my head.
Every detail of every munite, every second is etched in your memory. It's like a movie which keeps running in your head.
All the moments of that one particular day is in my head. But not the whole day, just till a particular point. And after that it just goes blank.
Her eyes used to light up the moment she used to hear footsteps coming up the stairs, and when we left she used to look so sad, but never too sad - she still had her ego in place.
It's so strange how she used to give so much of solace even though she could not speak or even get out of bed. At my toughest and saddest times I have just gone and sat next to her and held her hand. And she seemed to understand it all. All that I had to say and all that I didn't.
My words are now haunting me. They keep on coming back to me.
'Aami aashbo aabar tomake dekhte, tumi bhalo theko'.
There is no one to go back to now. The only thing which keeps on coming back to me is that a year ago this time she was still there.
And I miss her. I miss her so.
I don't know whether I wish she was still here, cause she was in pain, lots of pain. And I dont mean to be selfish. It's just that her going has left such a vaccuum that its real hard at times. Honestly I never thought that it would be this hard, but it has been far more than that. I always thought that I would be comforted by knowing that at least there is no more pain. But there are days when the movie in your head just refuses to stop.
I can still see her breathe her last, still struggling to live and at that moment I was so taken by all of it I did not know what to do. The nurse said "Step back please and let the soul leave, it's not being able to go with you'll surrounding her like this. Let her go in peace". And we did. We did step back.
I wonder if we hadn't would she still have been with us?
It's almost a year and the strangest part is that what has stayed on with me amongst other things is not the echo of her voice but the echo of my voice telling her 'aami aashbo aabar tomake dekhte, tumi bhalo theko'.
Maybe it's because when I used to tell her this I always used to fear that there won't be a next time and that this was the last time I was seeing her.
And that day, 19th July 2006, it was the last time I saw her and yet it's my voice which still echoes in my head.
Wednesday, 6 June 2007
okbye
i hate goodbyes.
especially when you are the one who is left behind. things are a tad better when you are the one who is going.....i meant at least you go to a different place and meet new people and do new things....you get the picture right?
And especially when its smallie in question. gawd its going to be so different now. its not as if we used to meet everyday or even talk everyday but the very fact that she is not going to be in the same town is so wierd. both of us after school got over stayed back in cal for college and since i had the priveldge of a 5 year course i knew that she would graduate before me and leave for further studies/job. i always dreaded this one year when i would be left all alone in cal. it is so damn depressing.
anyway i m sure that i will be making short trips to pune to meet her. i do love her so. and i will miss her everyday.
especially when you are the one who is left behind. things are a tad better when you are the one who is going.....i meant at least you go to a different place and meet new people and do new things....you get the picture right?
And especially when its smallie in question. gawd its going to be so different now. its not as if we used to meet everyday or even talk everyday but the very fact that she is not going to be in the same town is so wierd. both of us after school got over stayed back in cal for college and since i had the priveldge of a 5 year course i knew that she would graduate before me and leave for further studies/job. i always dreaded this one year when i would be left all alone in cal. it is so damn depressing.
anyway i m sure that i will be making short trips to pune to meet her. i do love her so. and i will miss her everyday.
Friday, 6 April 2007
home sweet home!!
and i m back!!!
back home.....unprecedented break but most welcome...it feels a tad strage coz i wasnt mentally prepared for this sudden holiday but i m loving it!!
came back home with dad......and when u stay with dad or travel with him u do it in style!!!
i stayed one night at taj palace with him....WOW!!!
it was such an awesome experience...it was like i was being treated like this mulitmillionare for one night.....i got to drink white wine(read watermelon juice) n have steak sitting in a wonderfully pretty bar with dad......gazed at cigars and the waiter actually came up to me and asked whether i wanted one.....i must have looked like i can afford them!!!yayyy!!!for small mercies i tell u!!
and the bed....oh the bed....u just sink into it....its so lovely!
and then in the morning get whisked away in your limousine(read white esteem)to the airport and fly first class....now i have just flown first class once before and that too by default so this was an awesome experience!!and i felt like the world's biggest clutz!i did not know wat to do....wat they were gng to do n how i shud react.......so at least i try and act like this posh snobby business woman who does this all time......i walk up to them like i m the CEO of some hep company n then i flounder terribly!!its so embarassing when u dnt know wat to do...how to act in certain situations...like a simple thing like - do i ask for tea or do they come up n ask me for it...i know its stupid but these are very important basic questions....like as soon as i entered the airport someone came and whisked my bag away and all the way to the aircraft i just had my purse to carry....it was like i was this VVIP!!!!and then i was taken to the exclusive lounge and like a small kid i just blindly followed my dad lest i become this huge embarassment for him!!so he went n got a muffin...i closely followed him, memorised every step he took n every thing he sed n then after 5 mins making sure it did not look too copied went n got myself a croissant!!n i did flounder....i cud not open the shelf where they kept the croissant...so i struggled for some mins before this very nice man came n helped me....n i salvaged the situation with a very professional 'thank you'(yeah there are things like professional thank you's!)
neway so i was travelling kingfisher airlines n i must confess i m this snob who does not think much of these low cost airlines but i was blown away with their hospitality and their amenities!!the coach which took us to the aircraft had sofas inside in place of normal seats!i mean can u imagine red sofa's!!!pretty neat i must say!!
and then i had a tv with me where i cud watch live television like star world or zee cafe or discovery travel and living and this is not only exclusive to first class.....everyone has a tv on the flight....and the food was needless to sey brilliant!i had this cheese omelete stuffed with salmon mousse!!I KNOW!!!it was truly living the good times!!loll
neway so i m back home and feel terrible to say that i miss delhi a bit....n i miss work most of all!
But i am enjoying a week at home n it is truly wonderful to be back home again.....yes it is.
back home.....unprecedented break but most welcome...it feels a tad strage coz i wasnt mentally prepared for this sudden holiday but i m loving it!!
came back home with dad......and when u stay with dad or travel with him u do it in style!!!
i stayed one night at taj palace with him....WOW!!!
it was such an awesome experience...it was like i was being treated like this mulitmillionare for one night.....i got to drink white wine(read watermelon juice) n have steak sitting in a wonderfully pretty bar with dad......gazed at cigars and the waiter actually came up to me and asked whether i wanted one.....i must have looked like i can afford them!!!yayyy!!!for small mercies i tell u!!
and the bed....oh the bed....u just sink into it....its so lovely!
and then in the morning get whisked away in your limousine(read white esteem)to the airport and fly first class....now i have just flown first class once before and that too by default so this was an awesome experience!!and i felt like the world's biggest clutz!i did not know wat to do....wat they were gng to do n how i shud react.......so at least i try and act like this posh snobby business woman who does this all time......i walk up to them like i m the CEO of some hep company n then i flounder terribly!!its so embarassing when u dnt know wat to do...how to act in certain situations...like a simple thing like - do i ask for tea or do they come up n ask me for it...i know its stupid but these are very important basic questions....like as soon as i entered the airport someone came and whisked my bag away and all the way to the aircraft i just had my purse to carry....it was like i was this VVIP!!!!and then i was taken to the exclusive lounge and like a small kid i just blindly followed my dad lest i become this huge embarassment for him!!so he went n got a muffin...i closely followed him, memorised every step he took n every thing he sed n then after 5 mins making sure it did not look too copied went n got myself a croissant!!n i did flounder....i cud not open the shelf where they kept the croissant...so i struggled for some mins before this very nice man came n helped me....n i salvaged the situation with a very professional 'thank you'(yeah there are things like professional thank you's!)
neway so i was travelling kingfisher airlines n i must confess i m this snob who does not think much of these low cost airlines but i was blown away with their hospitality and their amenities!!the coach which took us to the aircraft had sofas inside in place of normal seats!i mean can u imagine red sofa's!!!pretty neat i must say!!
and then i had a tv with me where i cud watch live television like star world or zee cafe or discovery travel and living and this is not only exclusive to first class.....everyone has a tv on the flight....and the food was needless to sey brilliant!i had this cheese omelete stuffed with salmon mousse!!I KNOW!!!it was truly living the good times!!loll
neway so i m back home and feel terrible to say that i miss delhi a bit....n i miss work most of all!
But i am enjoying a week at home n it is truly wonderful to be back home again.....yes it is.
Sunday, 25 March 2007
one week in dilli
welll....one week down in delhi....9 more to go!!!aaaahhhhh..........
well pg was a disaster so ran away!!but then now accomodation is i think working out somewat...dad came n fixed things up...i know i know spoilt brat!!!
gawd do i miss home!!sheesh how on earth m i gng to survive 9 weeks..that is nearly 2 months....63 days!!!!depressssiinngggg!!!!!
on a happy note i love where i m staying rite now at V's....its just like home...n they are just succchhhh niceee ppl!!n work is also good at least till now that is...i can see myself dng this work after graduation...not getting paid n living off my dad!!aaaa the good life!!! :P
saw the namesake...n frankly i was disappointed....i mean the previews looked so good...but those were the only good parts of the movie. it was so i dnt know badly edited i think n so many parts were left unexplored n sketchy!although i thought kal penn was absolutely delicious!!he really is a hottie!!!man i was really looking forward to this movie but it just seemed to jump from one scene to the other without any connection!but it is i guess a one time watch just for curiosity sake!
i move to the pg tom...things hv been finally settled there....n till i find another good excuse to run away from there i m stuck!till friday that is coz weekends there is no way on earth that i m gng to stay there!!sigh i reall m a spoilt brat...but i love being one!! :D
well pg was a disaster so ran away!!but then now accomodation is i think working out somewat...dad came n fixed things up...i know i know spoilt brat!!!
gawd do i miss home!!sheesh how on earth m i gng to survive 9 weeks..that is nearly 2 months....63 days!!!!depressssiinngggg!!!!!
on a happy note i love where i m staying rite now at V's....its just like home...n they are just succchhhh niceee ppl!!n work is also good at least till now that is...i can see myself dng this work after graduation...not getting paid n living off my dad!!aaaa the good life!!! :P
saw the namesake...n frankly i was disappointed....i mean the previews looked so good...but those were the only good parts of the movie. it was so i dnt know badly edited i think n so many parts were left unexplored n sketchy!although i thought kal penn was absolutely delicious!!he really is a hottie!!!man i was really looking forward to this movie but it just seemed to jump from one scene to the other without any connection!but it is i guess a one time watch just for curiosity sake!
i move to the pg tom...things hv been finally settled there....n till i find another good excuse to run away from there i m stuck!till friday that is coz weekends there is no way on earth that i m gng to stay there!!sigh i reall m a spoilt brat...but i love being one!! :D
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